You know that you love your partner, but don’t have those “in love” feelings anymore. You miss it and you want those feelings back. Some people are willing to have an affair to have those feelings– risking everything they have with their partner. But trying to fill one hole by taking dirt from somewhere else just makes another hole. And there are other options. There are ways to re-create the feeling of being in love with the partner you already have.
Here are some things you can do:
1. Love extra. Do more for your partner than you need to do. Treat him or her extra special. Write little notes, plan surprises, put another meatball in his sandwich, whatever. Treating your partner extra special helps to create extra special feelings for your partner. Start treating someone other than your partner extra special and you will start to develop feelings for that person instead.
2. Believe the best about your partner. If you can choose to believe that either your partner is looking forward to being with you or just doesn’t care, which belief do you think will help you to feel special? When we believe the best about others it changes the way we behave toward them and tends to make our beliefs come true. This works for both negative and positive beliefs. Remember that beliefs precede reality. This is not the same as hope. Hope just waits. Beliefs create our actions. You can choose to believe the best, become the best, and get the best.
3. Be sure that your needs are being met. Can you have a smile on your face and love in your heart when you have a thorn in your shoe? Taking care of yourself and having personal ambitions that excite you will make it much easier for you to be in love and will make you a more attractive person for your partner.
4. Set personal goals and challenges that excite you. These things will flood energy into your feelings, your personal life, and your relationship.
Loving, feeling in love, and attracting love are all very much under our control. Sitting back and waiting for them or looking for them in the wrong places will set us further back. Giving up on them will make our lives feel meaningless. Only by getting control of our minds and our actions can we make better lives for ourselves and our partners.
Coach Jack Ito PhD is a psychologist and relationship coach helping men and women to improve their relationships.